There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
