can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i think i have two assholes
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
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