there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
i out mim tonsoeep
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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