I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
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