between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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