I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
Randomize