Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
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