On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
