just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
