and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
