Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Randomize
