so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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