we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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