I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
