its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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