too bad you live with your parents still
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
