Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
