I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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