woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
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