Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I lost the right to judge tonight
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
