Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
