god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
