Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
