It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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