Well apparently he's into motor boating.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
