Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
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