I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Randomize