He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
