Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
