So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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