:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
