I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
