i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
There's always time for handjobs
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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