Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
