Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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