My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
