Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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