May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
