the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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