How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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