I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
