i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
