I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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