allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
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