i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Randomize