I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
All I want is dick and wine.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize