Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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