Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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