I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
