We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Randomize