sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
