Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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