i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
