just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
