The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Randomize
